PM for PM
If Trump can do it, why not me?
Since it's the season for unqualified blowhards running for office, I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and nominate myself for Australian Prime Minister.
My platform is simple:
- I'm not an unmitigated misogynistic paleo-asshole
- The national anthem shall be changed to "Throw Your Arms Around Me", and will be played at the start of school every day, from the cassette deck of a 1987 Holden Commodore.
- The flag shall be changed to anything other than its current form that doesn't feature the Union Jack.
- The Deputy Prime Minister shall be Nick Cave. If he brings some of the Bad Seeds or Kylie, all the better.
- We will declare economic warfare on the US by sending them Gina Rinehart. The beauty of this plan is that they'll think they're getting a good deal.
- Honours and awards will no longer be given to businessmen, sportsmen or entertainers under the What Isn't Money And Fame Enough For You Act of 2016.
- Pope Francis will be appointed official "Mate" of Australia, meaning that we will all be able to drop over to his place for a beer, to borrow jumper leads and ask his opinion on the renovation of the back porch.
- We will save on defense and immigration control by playing up the dangerous nature of Australian wildlife, inventing several new and ferocious animals, e.g. the carno-dingo, the winged chameolo-croc.
- Barbecues will be subsidized and the price of Tim-Tams will be strictly controlled for the purposes of preserving Australian "culture".
- This time, we'll do the Republic right.